Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
