Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize