just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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