don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
