he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
