trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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