Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
