I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
