I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
