I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
