Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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