I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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