sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
