By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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