just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize