Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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