Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
