I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And then he peed in my hair
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