Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
