a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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