i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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