walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
