On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
