they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
