He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
