Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
