i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
