I looked at my own cervix.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
