she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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