I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
