i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
