I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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