I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
