i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
