Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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