You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
