My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
