I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
