I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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