just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
