apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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