What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize