My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize