Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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