why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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