if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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