i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
