How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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