Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize