He passed out mid-signature
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
