I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
