I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
