when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
