Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
