R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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