Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
