you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
