fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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