You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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