vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
