saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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