Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
