So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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