i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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