hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
