I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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